BIRDen on Society

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful car that never hurt anybody. This car was shiny and fast. It liked to be outside around nature so that it could cherish every moment of life.

Unfortunately, birds.

A big, stupid bird decided that it would slam itself into the car hundreds of times, over and over, leaving blood and spit and slimy bird poopjuice everywhere. It also left many scratches in the paint.

So the car moved.

BUT THE BIRD CONTINUED. AND THIS BIRD WAS A BAD CHARACTER. He loved to vandalize other people's property because his nest sucked and he couldn't get the girl birds. He also sagged his pants.

So, once again, the car moved.

AND THE BIRD STILL CONTINUED TO SCRATCH AND BLEED AND SHIT ON THE CAR SO I FUCKING SNIPED IT WITH A HUGE SCOPE AND ITS BRAINS WENT EVERYWHERE. WHEN THE BULLET HIT THE BIRD'S HEAD IT CAME OFF AND FELL TO THE GROUND NEVER TO HURT ANYONE EVER AGAIN THE END

I'm Melting :(

If you are like me, then you probably can relate to eggs. What I mean by this is that the past week has felt like I am being scrambled in a pan every time I am dragged outside of my carton.

Now, you probably already know that beer is good. And I am sure you know that you are not supposed to put ice in your beer. These are both correct. However, everybody knows that a refreshing beer just does not stay cold enough during a hot day! Warm beer sucks, so how can you keep it cold in this heat?

Once again, SCIENCE has the solution: the problem with ice cubes in your beer (or any drink) is that as they absorb the heat from your drink - they melt! This dilutes your otherwise tasty refreshment into bland, watery blah. The solution? Make ice cubes out of whatever you are drinking! I know what you're thinking. "But beer contains alcohol, and everybody knows that ethyl alcohol freezes at minus 114 C! My freezer cant freeze that!"

THIS IS TRUE - but you are forgetting that beer only contains a small percentage of alcohol, and so it actually freezes pretty nicely in a standard freezer. It turns out a little bit like a slushy that isn't slushy. Now, it does have a tendency to foam up more when you first pour. However, it also has a tendency to be delicious.

So make some brew-cubes and have a cold one on science!

NOTE: THIS CAN BE APPLIED TO ALMOST ANY DRINK. DON'T EVER HAVE A WATERY TEA/SODA/WATER AGAIN!

The Science of Flight

For many years humans and land-roaming animals alike have dreamed of flying. Every person and animal wishes they could take to the skies and soar freely. It is viewed as the ultimate freedom.

However, it has become quite clear to science that flight should not be a skill to want. Think about it. Every animal that flies is absolutely disgusting. ESPECIALLY the animals that are named after the act itself: FLIES. Putrid beings that feast on decay and butt chocolate. Any animal that flies is horrible.

At first glance, birds may seem an exception to this rule. This is false. You can consider the fact that birds make me want to puke the main logical reason for this.

Birds do nothing but destroy. They destroy cars, fences, telephone poles, and even NATURE. That's right. In addition to leaving stringy, green spaghetti-turds in a white sauce on your car, birds mockingly shit directly into Mother Nature's mouth by ruining her best creations.

FACT: BIRDS ENJOY A STRICT DIET OF WORMS AND WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE EATING OUTSIDE FOR LUNCH AT THE TIME.

It has been proven countless times that worms are the most beneficial creatures to this planet. Hence the name: EARTHWORMS. They recycle soil and plant beautiful gardens and rain forests. You will also notice that all earthworms wear belts because they are respectful. Worms are such joyful creatures that they even party in the rain! They consider the rain their days off so they get to come outside and dance or wiggle.

Unfortunately, this is the best time for birds to get them. This is how birds ruin the planet. Birds have no other use for worms except burning them to a crisp in their fiery cavities (click the image to enlarge it), and then later leaving them on your newly-washed vehicle. What good do birds do for society? Other than being the subject of boring birdwatching clubs, NONE! There is not a single good thing birds do.

Now that we've covered every animal that flies, you can clearly see my point. Anything that flies is born with an obnoxious personality, and is disgusting. Remember that. If you want to hate life, eat dog poop, destroy the planet, and shit uncontrollably - dream to fly. Flying is not as cool as you'd hope.

My Girlfriend

I found inspiration for this while she was talking to me about something. I'm not quite sure what the conversation was about. Boats or... money? Something...

Don't Really Intend to Attend

Every cat can agree that attendance counting as a percentage of your grade in classes is absurd.

Shouldn't performance be the only factor that decides whether or not you lose points?

The world is driven by results. People don't want to buy your shitty workout video or goofball exercise device if it doesn't produce results. Nobody wants to buy or eat food that tastes like snail turd snacklets even if it was made by the fattest, jolliest, highest attendance cook around. HIM BEING IN THE KITCHEN EVERY DAY WOULD NOT MAKE YOU WANT THE FOOD MORE!

So why does attendance count toward our grade? It is not uncommon for an instructor to count attendance anywhere from 10-20% of total grade. If attendance is worth 15%, that means attendance is worth 150 points out of a total 1000. This is the case even if the instructor thinks she can redefine words because she has a masters in geology. No, miss instructor, uninhabitable and inhabitable do not mean the same thing.

But wait. So your attendance is worth 150 points. This means even if you get 100% on every test and every assignment, you can only get an B in the class if you don't attend lectures. Then, sitting in the corner, you see the guy whose head is shaped like a rectangle. He's smiling and thanking Jesus for his lucky C+'s on all his tests. BUT MANAGES TO GET YOUR SAME SOLID B OVERALL IN THE CLASS BECAUSE HE "ATTENDED?!" Fuck that cat.

Now, the reason some instructors stress attendance so much: Their class is inherently worthless. A class should be difficult enough that if you do not show up, you do not pass simply because you have not learned the material. However, some instructors don't know anything themselves, so they do not actually teach anything of value. They have to punish people directly for the act of not attending, because otherwise those people would succeed. The secret would be out that students don't need to attend the class to do well. Rather than fixing the actual problem (horrible instructors), instructors force students to attend to make themselves look worthwhile.

TL;DR - The classes that you are required to attend are actually the classes which provide nothing.