Dinosaurs have an excuse. Children don't

Now, dinosaurs aren't known for their intelligence. But then again, neither are annoying little kids. So I guess it shouldn't surprise you that scientists theorize that they share the same mental processes.

So what kinds of thoughts do dinosaurs share with fat, chocolate-faced children?



1. LETS SEE HOW LONG I CAN SCREAM FOR AT 8 AM
2. THIS THING LOOKS EASY TO BREAK. I SHOULD PLAY WITH IT
3. A SMALL ANIMAL? COOL! LET'S STOMP ON IT!
4. IM GOING TO RUN AROUND THE HALLS BANGING ON SHIT
5. I FEEL LIKE THROWING UP


But dinosaurs aren't annoying when they do these things.

Excellent Climbing Capabilities

Happy Cat in the Bath

Aye, scream!

Have you ever wondered why the statue of liberty, the tallest structure in the world, is holding an ice cream cone to the sky?

BECAUSE ICE CREAM!

In one hand, lady liberty proudly holds ice cream, a real world ambrosia, to the heavens. In the other, a book most likely representing some stupid romance about vampires. She tries to hide that one because stories about vampires that give women unrealistic expectations suck. What I mean by they "suck" is that they suck the respect and legitimacy out of everything this great nation stands for.







Who likes the taste of blood anyway?

BOOOO! Ghosts suck!

Bad things happen to everyone. How does science explain unfortunate events? Usually with ghosts - and I agree! Blame the chilly freaks!

Think about it. Ghosts are always present in everything bad that happens: power outages, unfinished homework, diabetes. Who knocked over my cup!? Not me. Not you. It is never you or me because it is ALWAYS a ghost!

Have you ever met a ghost? They are RE-TAR-DED! They aren't any smarter than your average two year old, and they have the same temperament. Ohhhh Mr. Ghost, you aren't happy with me closing this door? I guess you will bang on the cupboards and break shit until you get your way. Why don't you take your crayons and write me a mean message while you're at it? Plus they are always crying and shrieking and wailing. What babies they are.





boo-hoo




Ghosts need to grow the hell up. Seriously.

BIRDen on Society

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful car that never hurt anybody. This car was shiny and fast. It liked to be outside around nature so that it could cherish every moment of life.

Unfortunately, birds.

A big, stupid bird decided that it would slam itself into the car hundreds of times, over and over, leaving blood and spit and slimy bird poopjuice everywhere. It also left many scratches in the paint.

So the car moved.

BUT THE BIRD CONTINUED. AND THIS BIRD WAS A BAD CHARACTER. He loved to vandalize other people's property because his nest sucked and he couldn't get the girl birds. He also sagged his pants.

So, once again, the car moved.

AND THE BIRD STILL CONTINUED TO SCRATCH AND BLEED AND SHIT ON THE CAR SO I FUCKING SNIPED IT WITH A HUGE SCOPE AND ITS BRAINS WENT EVERYWHERE. WHEN THE BULLET HIT THE BIRD'S HEAD IT CAME OFF AND FELL TO THE GROUND NEVER TO HURT ANYONE EVER AGAIN THE END

I'm Melting :(

If you are like me, then you probably can relate to eggs. What I mean by this is that the past week has felt like I am being scrambled in a pan every time I am dragged outside of my carton.

Now, you probably already know that beer is good. And I am sure you know that you are not supposed to put ice in your beer. These are both correct. However, everybody knows that a refreshing beer just does not stay cold enough during a hot day! Warm beer sucks, so how can you keep it cold in this heat?

Once again, SCIENCE has the solution: the problem with ice cubes in your beer (or any drink) is that as they absorb the heat from your drink - they melt! This dilutes your otherwise tasty refreshment into bland, watery blah. The solution? Make ice cubes out of whatever you are drinking! I know what you're thinking. "But beer contains alcohol, and everybody knows that ethyl alcohol freezes at minus 114 C! My freezer cant freeze that!"

THIS IS TRUE - but you are forgetting that beer only contains a small percentage of alcohol, and so it actually freezes pretty nicely in a standard freezer. It turns out a little bit like a slushy that isn't slushy. Now, it does have a tendency to foam up more when you first pour. However, it also has a tendency to be delicious.

So make some brew-cubes and have a cold one on science!

NOTE: THIS CAN BE APPLIED TO ALMOST ANY DRINK. DON'T EVER HAVE A WATERY TEA/SODA/WATER AGAIN!